He that makes himself a sheep shall be eaten by a wolf. - Italian proverb

Later back at C9…

A flurry of make-up artists are in the final brushes, powdering faces and gluing together split hairs. 

[Announcement] Five minutes to Air

Producer:  Whatever you say, don’t mention the carcinogens.

Curly Snyder: No worries B1, I drive a Volvo.

****

Baz: Clacker, yaw think we’d gunner be on the telly t’night.

Bruce:  We’re always on the telly Baz.

Baz: We got the story right, right?

Bruce: We always get it right, Doodle.

Baz: Bonzer, Bruce! Bonzer!

****

Curly: 9’s top stories: Cleopatra of Denial down in the polls after rushing into burning hospital and saving entire kid’s ward; Also our exclusive, Eco-Miners get Green tick of approval. These, and more stories shortly after the following messages….

Curly: (sneers) First, it looks like Cleo has upset us decent hard working Australians again…blah, (sneers) blah…

[5 minutes later]

Curly: (beams) BHP announces initiative to help fish save on water consumption. We go to Baz for this inspiring story.

Baz: That’s right Curly. Mining provides less than 2% of the job pie…

Curly: We seem to be having technical hitch… I’m sorry viewers we will return just as soon as the satellite is… seems were reconnected, Baz?

Baz: Back! Sorry Curly, Just forget that last bit… read the cues wrong… bugger.…

Curly: I’m sorry viewers we will return just as soon as the satellite is… seems were reconnected, Baz?

Bruce: That’s right Curly, seems Baz came down with a cold. Don’t mind if you call me…

Curly: Bruce, you’re fine. So Bruce what’s the story?

Bruce: That’s right Curly. Well it’s early days yet, but it seems big business “has done it again, McCain.” Why, there isn’t a rock on this god-fearing rock that hasn’t been blessed by these Good Samaritans. I know I was there today at Olympic Dam bursting with national pride.

Curly: We’ll, get back to that later, but what about the fish?

Bruce: That’s right Curly. Freshwater fish are today rejoicing over new plans to limit their usage of water in the spirit of national partisan cooperation to help us get over this drought. BHP recognizes that everyone, even fish can cut back, and the suckers are only too happy to salary sacrifice their water for the common good.

Curly: And tell us about BHP, Bruce.

Bruce: That’s right Curly, we were at BHP today, the largest mining operation, Olympic Dam, in the Southern Hemisphere.

Curly: What did you learn?

Bruce: That’s right Curly. I spoke to the Barbs Wigglesworth Senior Executive Manager from a green office committee. She said,” Time was running out on the fossil fuel industry. These guys and gals are truly hooked on the clean future message, loud and clear. Water being so precious and all, I can honestly say I never saw one wasted drop. They really care.

Curly: That’s good news Bruce. You know some people, I won’t say names, but a small band of hippy anarchist, protestors, who clearly need haircuts and deodorant are accusing media of bias. Bruce what can you say to that?

Bruce: That’s right Curly. There will always be a handful of loonies, conspirator nuts trying to make the poorest Aussie battlers suffer once again.  It’s enough to make one sick what some people will stoop to. Why, we don’t even need pundits to tell us that these boofheads are scum, they’re even worse than teenage boys. Curly, I wouldn’t waste my water on them.

Curly: Not to mention the Jobs Bruce?

Bruce: Thanks Curly I almost forgot. Yes. Not to forget the Jobs, and the state of the economy. God bless BHP.

Curly: We can never be too grateful. Thanks Bruce. We look forward to more of your groundbreaking professional journalism in the future.

Bruce: Only too happy to oblige. This is Bruce Clacker, C9 News, signing out.

Baz: (in the background) Ya reckon I still have my job, Br….

Curly: Next breaking news… Prince Williams and Harry’s penchant for cucumber sandwiches right after this message…..

Stay tuned for the next GABR installment, when I get closer to the point of this fleecing story.